wake up

But I am invisible, floating through an existence that does not exist. It is my own hell, imprisoned by my choices, there is no escaping my thoughts.

He loves me deeply, more then anyone can ever know, addicted masochist who nobody else can have. he consumes my soul, mind, and being. My one and only. They say once a demon claims you, you are forever tormented by oneself. The images that plays over and over are to remind you of the useless being you have become.

He was a boy that I met, I fell in love with blindly. I believed what I wanted, and lived in the moment. If you would’ve told me a year ago, this was the outcome I would not have trusted you. But this goes to show you, you cant believe everything you see. There was times where there were signs, that this was all just make believe. You create a fantasy world off the emotions and lust at first glance. Not knowing the universe has other plans. So you become attached to the vision, obsessed with it. I never trusted anyone like this, or cared for. I never met anyone who wanted to just see me smile. So I trusted him, I fell so in love with you. My dreams were finally coming true, everything I ever dreamed about. Its my turn I thought, its my happy ending finally… But life has a funny way of showing you something that will end in the complete opposite. Like its the karma that was waiting to catch up to you…

“I’m not in love with you”

Those words you beg God to never hear, to never feel, to never live through. You’ve seen movies about this, heard stories, but never contemplated hearing the tale of heartbreak from the one you love.

Now hear it comes, the emptiness, the insecurities, the black hole that fills up your heart. Lost once again, all your dreams and fantasies shattered to the core of the beginning. The questions the why’s, what if’s, how come. You drive yourself mad with blame and guilt and confusion. Don’t even know what emotions you feel.

but you still love him, even when they dont love you back.

so you pretend that your okay with the situation, that you can handle being his friend, because you cant picture your life without him, it hurts you to not be included and to be distant. So you lie and lay close, do whatever to be near him. But you break a little bit inside each time, you loose apart of yourself that you’ll never get back. you watch reality around you like it is a t.v. show being filmed live, a love that you crave, attention you seek.. but it is a love that is not yours.

You did this to yourself, creating your own personal hell from the choices you have made. You have to say goodbye, and forget about silly love tales.

Told you when a demon claims a soul, you will forever belong to him. and he loved me a way that no one else could, there’s no way i could be anyone else’s but his. he loves me so much, he showed me you. then he robbed me of my happiness and brought me back to hell with him. its a love i cant escape, its my fate. My own personal sick sad world.

and It was never real in the first place, and you’ve been day dreaming this whole time.

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Headache

All the thoughts running through my mind everyday, as I sit here and listen to another language being spoke that I try to understand and break down the words so I can be apart of the conversation. Because I haven’t been….. for a while, and no one can prepare you for how lonely it can get. So I get lost in my thoughts the only noise I can control; sometimes; but when I do , my thoughts are anything but ordinary. What happens is i cant break up reality to my thoughts. it all gets jambled and becomes one. and then I have to still live life, and make proper choices. Then I have to figure out what I’m doing with my life, with no ones opinion because nobody knows me, I’ve created this whole other world around me, which is what I wanted, so I wanted to reinvent myself, and I’m finding stuff out about myself that I realize I have to work on, all the while I am trying to grow up and figure everything out. so scared to make the wrong choice because i know what that has gotten me in the past……. and then of course after trying to find a way to make money and get a career and do something with your life… there’s love, and no one can prepare you for love. WHY! I believe in school there should be a lesson or a course where you can learn all about love and how to properly love someone and how to be loved. my situation is anything but ordinary and I’m angry, I’m angry that I got put in this situation when all I need right now is someone to just be there, that’s it. lift me up when I’m down and love me when I’m tired. remind me how special I am and where I’m going. but instead, I got dealt with drama and unknown feelings. up and down, everywhere, and falling in love and running away. when you were first to someone, then its like your forgotten or last. its just sad and I’m so angry at him for doing this to me and putting me in this situation. like fuck you and your whole life. fucked up people get everything.

so the solution, i got a gym pass, and its helping ALOT. and I’m in yoga which love, and the stretching and becoming more spiritually centered. it is clearing my mind and balancing my life…. slowly. money seems good, job is good, flat is good, i am good…. but my heart and love isn’t.

I just want him to notice me again.

Broken Hearts

Its almost one of the saddest melodies that anyone can speak to you. But in life people have to break you so you can see how beautiful and strong you are. Its a story line of the saddest story with one of the most surreal outcomes. You find yourself.

You lied to me and betrayed me, you told me I was your one, but I was just your right now and I was to blind by love to see the signs that you still loved her. I didn’t want to see the signs therefore I was blind to them, as if they didn’t exist right in front of me. Paint a picture of a dream for you two, is better then realizing any reality of this world. Being in love is like nothing else, it scares the shit out of you and tests you beyond limits, but if your not a strong person then you will lose yourself and the relationship. I lost myself in you because facing reality alone was just to hard. and I trusted you that you were by my side and you weren’t going to leave me. I thought this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for and what I’ve wanted always. you became my best friend and the only partner i could count on. But now i just think, was it all out of pitty? I’ve been in a lot of bad situations and alone. But i have to say, finding a partner who still loves someone else and a year later finding out is one of the most brutal heart breaks I think I’ve felt.

I want to feel free of all human beings, all connections, all rules and attachments, I want to make decisions just for myself with no alter motives, I want to choose something without feeling bad for what it will do to the other person. The ultimate freedom.

Rebel Music

So I just watched this documentary about musicians in Iran who are not allowed to play certain type of music because it is against there religion. How could someone be punished for creating something that is art. As I grow up and discover more of the world I realize I am apart of something so much bigger in this world. My generation is the generation of the voice and change. We have that power to change the ways of the corrupt world. In Italy its all about who you know, and if you don’t have a “friend” you wont get anywhere. In Iran a metal musician was arrested and accused of devil worshiping and they lashed him 130 times, just for creating art. There’s a difference between those two, someone who worships the devil does not announce that to the world. They keep that behind closed doors to rear you in and kill you. Yes in America some metal musician’s do worship the devil, but it is obvious.

I feel like this trip that I am about to take is much more then I am even realizing. I have no idea all the places I will go or all the people and stories I will encounter, but I have always wanted to make a change and have a voice. I have an intuition this is my time, to be apart of something with music and food to bring people together from all arts of the world. We have one common ground and that’s art.